for the crowd

That awesome time of year is approaching! Halloween, bitches. It was my favourite holiday as a kid, I’d get all worked up and festoon my bedroom with fake spiderweb, so thick you had to duck and dodge to get through. This year, in the spirit of things, I did it again, only less chaotic, but I still have problems sitting up too straight on my bed.

I think it’s a stupid sentence, if I were to say that costumes are a big deal on Halloween, but I’ll say it. Costumes are a big deal on Halloween. I think one of the best things to do during the holiday is going out and just seeing what people have done. I love people who make their own costumes, just because the take on things can be so original – even the people who do something on the fly, as long as it’s creative. Last year I had three costumes for three different events – I was a necromancer for my Halloween party (I put on a turban and festooned my house with signs for my going rate of raising the dead), I was a femme fatale for Halloween weekend (I put on a polka dot dress, elbow-length gloves and a fedora), and for actual Halloween night I actually went as Trent Reznor, circa 1994 – I stood outside the bar and had my friend pour cornstarch on me, and then rolled around in it to make sure I was completely coated. Then I got totally drunk (I was staying in character, right?) and made an ass of myself (also in character).

Unfortunately, there will be an unavoidable sight for me this Halloween.

(He freaks me out. Like he’s got something in his pocket and I never wanna find out what it is.)

It’s so weird – half the people who get dressed up are awesome and original, and the other half don’t put any thought into it at all. It’s like people who get tattoos – some put a lot of effort and thought into it, creating designs to showcase who they are and who they want to be, and everyone else picks a numbered picture off the wall.

Saying that I’m predicting that a good one in five costumed men I see at the bar is going to be the Joker wouldn’t be right. It’s not really a prediction. I know that they’re going to be everywhere, and I really dislike it. It’s on par with people who wait until the last minute not knowing what to dress as, and then cave and buy some fangs and fake blood and go as a vampire. Actually, it’s worse, because the Joker requires a lot more care in his costume than your run of the mill black-clad vampire. You have to find/order in/make that crazy suit, you need to do fake FX scars on your face and then plaster it with makeup. Two guys I know (none of them, I might add, fitting the requirement of being tall, blonde, svelte, good-looking and charismatic) recently had a discussion when I asked who they were going to be for Halloween. “I’m going as the late Heath Ledger.” “The Joker? Yeah, me too.” A few days later I called another friend of mine over my own costume predicament, and he said “I was thinking of going as the Joker.” Despite my pal’s relative attractiveness, stylishness, and charisma, I bleated in alarm. There is going to be an infestation.

Not only that, but you know half the men (over half?) dressing as The Joker will be, well, not up to par. Their costumes will be shoddy, they won’t even try to play around with their voice, they won’t even have an inkling as to understanding the character, and really, isn’t that just kind of insulting to Heath Ledger? I think he did a fantastic job, like most people – you just can’t watch that movie and say he didn’t, or you are just seriously in denial. (I have a fun joke of saying, indifferently, “He was okay” whenever someone asks me what I thought of Heath in the role – you’d be amazed, or maybe you wouldn’t, at the sort of reactions I get).

This year I’d planned to go as Harley Quinn, but then I scratched the idea. At first I was amused to maybe go as the Joker’s villainous escort, but then I was quickly annoyed when I realised just how many Jokers I would be seeing this Halloween (and as a result, the cost of a pre-made Harley Quinn costume went up – srsly, eighty bucks on ebay for a velveteen jumpsuit that might look like crap on me anyway? Really? And there is no way I’m going to make my own out of spandex, I’m not suicidal). Seriously. If you really love the character and could actually pull it off, then great. If not, though – if you’re just going as a shoddy version with bad grease makeup and a paunch, then why bother? I think I’ll personally ignore and snub any man I see dressed as the Joker this Halloween, unless he staggers up to me and greets me in that strange little voice. If you’re going to do it, go for it, completely.

I won’t be Trent Reznor this Halloween, but I’ll be a wolf girl, with a gigantic fur skirt and one damn ugly mask. I don’t care what girls do for Halloween – if they want to do the Mean Girls “slut rule” that’s fine by me, but I don’t need Halloween to be sexy – I’ve got the rest of the year for that.

You’ve got a little bit over a week until Halloween, so hurry up! Think of something. Go as your hero. Go as the thing you’re afraid of most. Strap some branches to you and go as an Ent or something, for chrissakes. I guess lots of people go out on Halloween to hook up – much like every other weekend, but they get to play with being something they’re not. It’s more fun that way, I understand, but I kinda wish people would have even more fun and play with it outside the bounds of being sexually attractive. (I’m not dumping on hooking up, casual sex, or any of those, I’m just sayin’ that something beyond the usual ‘sexy maid’, ‘sexy bunny’, ‘sexy angel’ (???), or ‘sexy pirate’ might be nice to see).

Actually, one of my best pals is demonstrating the best of not caring about being attractive and just wanting to have fun quite well, because she’s going as one of our favourite characters this Halloween – Old Gregg from the cult tv show Mighty Boosh.

And if you have no idea who that is, that’s okay. I have Youtube on my side.

“It’s attached to your rod, motherlickah!”

Anyway, Happy Halloween, kids! Hopefully I’ll post once again before the holiday, but don’t hold out for hope. Anyway, stay safe, and if you’re going out with friends, remember: there is no ‘I’ in ‘drunk’.